Tag Archives: showbiz

#275 : Russell Brand!

13 Mar

This week we have a very special ‘super-star’, captured (if you will) and forced to share one of his favourite recipes that has no doubt been handed down through the ages (to him).

Born in 1952 in the “armpit of the world”… Essex, radio’s Russell Brand started life as a lowly chimney-sweep, sometimes working up to 36 hours a day up a filthy chute! Small wonder that he has been made famous for his catchphrase: “Any more coal mister!?”

Ejected from the chimney sweeping business because of his height (Russell stands at an incredibly “lofty” 5’7″ tall!) Russ turned his hands to ‘chat’, and so began his remarkable ascent from such humble, chav-like beginnings to the very snowy Dome of Stardom itself! ¬†These days Russell can be heard on his fortnightly radio show on BBC3, waxing lyrical on matters of mammalian love and his past addiction to horse-juice¬† Mr Brands is that which we would all want to be if we’d thought about it: A STAR!!

Russels Brand career has not been all plain sailing however. In 1973, Russell was sentenced to a 30 year prison term of soft-to-medium-labour in Wandsworth gaol for swearing at a racist midget. The Brand promptly escaped to The Americas where he has fashioned an highly lucrative career as a movies star, in films.

The ‘Ssell, as he likes to be known, was kind enough to share one of his favourite recipes, handed down from his grandmother, an original pearly queen from Canvey Island. Mr B told us that this meal has mystical, “gypsy” effects, to which he has added some of his own unmistakable vim and irreverent panache!

Wait-a-bix!

You will need:

1) A Weetabick.

2) An Euro (for buying exotic, European ingredients.)

3) A drugs.

3.5) Half a pound of organic lard.

4) A frying pan.

5) Access to a kitchen or similar place of cooking. (remember to ask permission first!)

Now, Rusells assures me that the first and most important step in preparing this delicious food is incredibly important, and you should make sure it is done first, before anything else:

1) Turn on a hob, on the hob. (turn in all the way to the “hottest” setting.)

2) Gently place the weetabick in the pan.

3) You should have put about half a pound of organic lard in the pan before the weetabick. Idiot!

4) Now is a good time to take a drugs, while you settle back and wait for the “cooking” to take hold.

5) When the pan “goes on fire” you know that you are just 30 minutes away from enjoying your delicious meal!

6) Serve.

Well, I don’t know about you, but my guests will be thrilled to the back teeth when I serve this dish at one of my own, ever so special dinner parties… exactly like the Stars do!! What about you? I don’t know about you.

As for Russells, as he shuffled back to his solarium in his pearly dressing gown for an afternoon crumpet, whistling a cockney tune and berating an underling in his “rhyming slang” I knew that I had been privileged to receive a true recipe… FROM THE STARS!!

Next week Oman cooks “a man”. Amen to that!

#57:Dirk ‘Faceman’ Benedict.

20 Feb
fc.jpg This week legendary ladies man bon viveur and professional shenanigeniser Dirk Benedict shares with us a traditional recipe from the family vault. Mr B, a convivial host, tells us that this particular recipe is a variation of one handed down to him by his grandmother that he has refined with his own subtle style and panache. You will need a pan, lard and some eggs.

Eggs Dirk.

1) Place roughly half a kilo of lard into pan; turn the gas knob all the way to the big flame picture.
2) When the lard ‘goes on fire’ gently add 2 to 8 eggs, taking care to remove the hard outer “shell”.
3) By now you should be, almost literally, ‘frying’ those eggs!
4) Remove eggs and serve, perhaps on some bread or a plate. The choice is yours!
5) Enjoy your delicious “meal”!
It’s hard to believe isn’t it? Even you can experience eggs the way ‘Benedict’ intended! Don’t get carried away though… you don’t want to end up with egg on your “Face”, man!
fried_eggs.jpg
Next week, Nigel Havers shows us how to kill and cook fish-fingers the halal way.