#275 : Russell Brand!

13 Mar

This week we have a very special ‘super-star’, captured (if you will) and forced to share one of his favourite recipes that has no doubt been handed down through the ages (to him).

Born in 1952 in the “armpit of the world”… Essex, radio’s Russell Brand started life as a lowly chimney-sweep, sometimes working up to 36 hours a day up a filthy chute! Small wonder that he has been made famous for his catchphrase: “Any more coal mister!?”

Ejected from the chimney sweeping business because of his height (Russell stands at an incredibly “lofty” 5’7″ tall!) Russ turned his hands to ‘chat’, and so began his remarkable ascent from such humble, chav-like beginnings to the very snowy Dome of Stardom itself!  These days Russell can be heard on his fortnightly radio show on BBC3, waxing lyrical on matters of mammalian love and his past addiction to horse-juice  Mr Brands is that which we would all want to be if we’d thought about it: A STAR!!

Russels Brand career has not been all plain sailing however. In 1973, Russell was sentenced to a 30 year prison term of soft-to-medium-labour in Wandsworth gaol for swearing at a racist midget. The Brand promptly escaped to The Americas where he has fashioned an highly lucrative career as a movies star, in films.

The ‘Ssell, as he likes to be known, was kind enough to share one of his favourite recipes, handed down from his grandmother, an original pearly queen from Canvey Island. Mr B told us that this meal has mystical, “gypsy” effects, to which he has added some of his own unmistakable vim and irreverent panache!


You will need:

1) A Weetabick.

2) An Euro (for buying exotic, European ingredients.)

3) A drugs.

3.5) Half a pound of organic lard.

4) A frying pan.

5) Access to a kitchen or similar place of cooking. (remember to ask permission first!)

Now, Rusells assures me that the first and most important step in preparing this delicious food is incredibly important, and you should make sure it is done first, before anything else:

1) Turn on a hob, on the hob. (turn in all the way to the “hottest” setting.)

2) Gently place the weetabick in the pan.

3) You should have put about half a pound of organic lard in the pan before the weetabick. Idiot!

4) Now is a good time to take a drugs, while you settle back and wait for the “cooking” to take hold.

5) When the pan “goes on fire” you know that you are just 30 minutes away from enjoying your delicious meal!

6) Serve.

Well, I don’t know about you, but my guests will be thrilled to the back teeth when I serve this dish at one of my own, ever so special dinner parties… exactly like the Stars do!! What about you? I don’t know about you.

As for Russells, as he shuffled back to his solarium in his pearly dressing gown for an afternoon crumpet, whistling a cockney tune and berating an underling in his “rhyming slang” I knew that I had been privileged to receive a true recipe… FROM THE STARS!!

Next week Oman cooks “a man”. Amen to that!

#17:Sir Anthony Hopkins!

27 Feb

anthony_hopkinsnte.jpg‘Sir’ Tone.

What a treat we have for you today: a knight of the realm shows us, literally, “what’s cooking”!

Sir Anthony was born and raised in a small town in the west of England called Wales. Sir Anthony, or “Tone”, spent his youth ferrying pies and leeks down the coal mines and reciting King Lear. The miners became very fond of this bulb-headed young lad and to a man, gave their savings to send him to a real ‘school’ in Civilisation [London]. Strange to think that was almost one hundred years ago! Nowadays Tony’s radish-shaped head is known all over the world for playing “Anthony Hopkins” in a variety of different films. A cheeky character, Mr H tells me that he quite often ‘jokes’ with his directors by using the same accent and mannerisms in every film despite what they tell him to do! The japes!

Today, Sir Tony shares an ancient ‘welsh’ recipe handed down by his grandmother, a famous druid witchdoctor from Wales village. With a chuckle T.H. admits that over the years he has added some of his own inimitable panache and vim.

pannacotta_and_cobbler_017.jpgHopkins’ Choice.

You will need: a large pot, 5-17 leeks, some fava beans, min.2 bottles of nice chianti, a lamb (silenced), a stick, and lastly, someones liver (“Preferably not your own!” says Sir H.!)


1.Place the large pot onto an ‘burner’ or hob an turn the pointer in the ‘hottest’ direction till it stops moving.

2.Oops, forgot to mention, you should have filled the pot with water, and some offal from the lamb.(remember to silence the lamb by murdering it earlier!)

3.While the above is nicely simmering, finely chop the leeks, and halve the fava beans.

4. Hope you didn’t forget the stick! You’ll need it now, to “tenderise” the liver.

5.You should have poured at least one of the bottles of chianti into the pot at the beginning! You idiot!

6.After a while, the mixture (or “sauce”) in the pot should go ‘on fire’. Now is the time to add everything you’ve got left.

7.Leave to simmer for 2-3 days.

8.Serve, and enjoy! (serves 1-6 people)

As I left craggy Sir Tone in his replica ‘welsh’ mining village in the Hollywood Hills, it was with a tear in my eye I’m not ashamed to say! This man has done more for acting the same role in different films than almost any other actor alive. Ever! (ever alive). And here he has selflessly shared…with me ( and you) , and through me…with you (us) … a sacred recipe, a recipe… from THE STARS!!!!

Next week… a rare glance into the life (and food!!) of a man that writes stuff on toilet walls in felt tip. Yes, our very own “Banksy” gives us a peek into his scabby rucksack! (that he takes with him, when he goes to do the writing)

#64:Eddie Izzard

23 Feb

dame-judi-dench.jpg Edward Izzard.

Its hard to believe that Eddie Izzard has been entertaining us with his whimsical flights of fancy for nearly 60 years! Best known for his standing-up style comedy, Eddie is also a professional actor and woman.

Today Eddie reveals the answer to a question that celebrity-watchers have been asking for hundreds of time-units… just what do the ‘Stars’ serve as a dessert? I’m sure we’ve all imagined our favourite ‘celebs’ tucking into a delicious hand cooked ‘meal’. But our imaginations always seem to let us down as the main course plates are cleared and the ‘pudding’ is brought out. What sumptuous delights, what decadent sweetmeats do their servants bring? Well, not only is Mr Izzard about to ease back the curtain on this mystery, he will also share the valuable knowledge of how to make it yourself!

Eddie says that this recipe was handed down to him by his grandfather (remarkably, also a woman) but he bashfully admits to adding more than a little of his own unmistakable ‘whimsy’ and panache!

milkyway2.jpg “Milky-way surprise!”

You will need: a bar of milky-way chocolate bar. A pan. A bowl.

1: Carefully break the milky-way bar in half  (see photo for details of how this should look)

2: Turn the gas on with the pan on top. (actually, you should have done this earlier to save time)

3: Ever-so-softly place the two milky-way bar ‘halves’ into the cold pan. (See? Should have turned the gas on earlier! See 2 above)

4: This is the easy part… just leave it!

5: After a while, check that it hasn’t gone ‘on fire’.

6: Pour the results into a bowl and serve!


Your friends will be delighted and amazed when you add this to your ‘recipe-toire’ at your own ‘dinner-parties’… just like The Stars have!! Simple and elegant, I’m sure you’ll agree that it “Izzntard” to do!!!

Next week, professional sadist Mel Gibson shows us what he can do with an oven, an animal and a messiah complex!

#73 Julia Roberts!

22 Feb


Julia Roberts. We’ve all seen her. Not many have had a go though. The “tart with a heart” of Pretty Woman fame, the “whore with a core”. Not like that in real life. A delightful young lady, Ms Roberts today offers us an unhindered view into the world of celebrity food! Indeed, Julia managed to wangle this recipe from her co-star of Notting Hill…yes! Huge Grunt! Hugh, a 7th generation cockney from the ‘Old East End’ of London, England, in the United Kingdom of Emirates apparently let slip during filming the details of this old family recipe handed down by his grandmother to which he had added some of his own subtle, bumbling panache!

Roberts’ Gobfest

full-english.jpeg You will need: a pan, a tomato, 5 slices of bacon, 2-7 eggs, a cumberland sausage, a tin of baked beans, some magic mushrooms, a black pudding, hash browns (optional) and some bread (to toast) , lard.

1:  Add roughly half a kilo of lard to the pan.

2: Turn the gas to “high”.

3: Eventually the lard will go “on fire”. This is the time to add all ingredients, quickly!

4: Stir for an hour, or if you prefer well done, an hour and a quarter.

5: Get the toast out that I should have mentioned earlier!

6: Pour the pan onto toast and serve!

You are now ready to eat as an old tart might on the streets of Notting Hill, England! (This meal is particularly romantic and would suit 2 or more)

Next week, David Hasselhof shows us how to gut and cook a pig with a David Bowie knife!

#57:Dirk ‘Faceman’ Benedict.

20 Feb
fc.jpg This week legendary ladies man bon viveur and professional shenanigeniser Dirk Benedict shares with us a traditional recipe from the family vault. Mr B, a convivial host, tells us that this particular recipe is a variation of one handed down to him by his grandmother that he has refined with his own subtle style and panache. You will need a pan, lard and some eggs.

Eggs Dirk.

1) Place roughly half a kilo of lard into pan; turn the gas knob all the way to the big flame picture.
2) When the lard ‘goes on fire’ gently add 2 to 8 eggs, taking care to remove the hard outer “shell”.
3) By now you should be, almost literally, ‘frying’ those eggs!
4) Remove eggs and serve, perhaps on some bread or a plate. The choice is yours!
5) Enjoy your delicious “meal”!
It’s hard to believe isn’t it? Even you can experience eggs the way ‘Benedict’ intended! Don’t get carried away though… you don’t want to end up with egg on your “Face”, man!
Next week, Nigel Havers shows us how to kill and cook fish-fingers the halal way.